Violence is stupid. I am banning it right now.
Okay, with that out of the way, let's move to the nitty-gritty of my non-violence plan. I know human beings are going to fight, so here is my solution.
Tickle Wars.
As a ten-year-old, I could manipulate my Dad into a pretzel simply by wiggling my fingers under his arms. And even when I'm only threatening to tickle my boyfriend, he curls up and starts negotiating terms of a cease-fire.
I use tickling as an act of revenge, and so should you. It doesn't hurt anyone. It drives my boyfriend crazy. And it makes people laugh.
I know what you're thinking. Non-violence rarely works. But that's because Gandhi never tickled anyone. Have you ever been pinned and tickled? It's excruciating. You flail. You plead. You surrender. See how smart my plan is? People can act out their aggression through pre-appointed tickle marathons.
Now there may be people who are not ticklish. It's hard to imaging Dick Cheney writhing helplessly on the floor, overcome with a fit of the giggles.
But that's okay. Everyone has a weakness. I'm flexible. I approve pies in the face, squirt guns, and whoopee cushions. Anything that humiliates without causing long-term damage.
Back to the tickling. I argue that most people can be incapacitated by expert tickling. Now is the time to explore our tickle attack options.
I propose we create tickle armies. I imagine my tickle army looking something like sumo wrestlers, except they would carry rubber chickens. The really expert tickle master might dress like Jackie Kennedy, just to catch his enemy off guard.
The first army to tickle their opponent into submission wins. Maybe the Tickle Wars could be held every four years, like the Olympics. Every country would appoint ten Tickle Representatives. The top fifteen teams would get spots on the UN's security council. The top two teams would be crowned as Super Powers. And the team in last place would get a consolation prize, like a visit from Carrot Top.
Maybe we could extend this non-violence plan to every aspect of life. Instead of jail time, petty criminals could be sentenced to four hours of being whapped with a pillow. Nasty criminals would still go to jail, but their main punishment would be having to watch the same episode of the Love Boat twenty-four hours a day for eternity.
Yes, the more I think about it, the more I'm certain that tickling is the best solution to the world's violence problem. So, ladies and gentlemen, flex those fingers. We have a lot of issues to straighten out. I'm going to start with my boyfriend. He looked at me funny last night and deserves to be thumped with a good tickle.





