Silly Humor by Melody

I'm with Stupid

I dressed up for Halloween.  I went to a party dressed as "Stupid."  My boyfriend wore a sign that said "I am with Stupid."  We had fun.

Next year I'm going to make my boyfriend dress up in a big Tuna suit.  I think he'll like that.

A Goofball's Defense

Recently, my best friend told me that the pig hat I like to wear is corny. This really wounded me.

Okay, it didn't wound me. But it did start me thinking. Why am I a goofball who thinks pig hats are funny?

Then I thought, why do humans need humor at all?

So I say let's blame nakedness. You see, most of us get embarrassed when we are naked in public. Some of us feel stupid when we walk face first into a glass door. And I tend to feel like a dweeb when I forget my mother's birthday.

We need humor because we make mistakes. Life would be awfully depressing if we constantly thought about how many times we've locked ourselves out of our houses. (I've done this at least seven major times in my lifetime, mostly when it was snowing.)

I think really funny people have given up the ghost of perfection. Take me for example. I'm never going to be Mother Teresa. I'm not even going to be as good as Hillary Clinton. So I've given up. And as a reward, I get to wear pig hats.

But my Anti-Pig-Hat best friend still wants to be perfect. Yes, she has a sense of humor. She tells kick-butt stories about the dumb things she sees other people doing. But she HATES it when she appears flawed. She can't let herself be corny because she actually wants to be a goddess.

I think the need to be a goddess is a common desire for women. If I can stray from my topic for just a moment, I'd like to explore the difference between girl humor and boy humor.

I don't think ladies tend to be as wacky funny as men are. Why? Because most women spend their lives trying to impress people. We are trying to attract men, we are trying to outgrow five thousand years of men saying "Hey, honey, get me a beer", and we want to be flawless, exotic, gorgeous goddesses just like we see in the movies.

Women want to be perfect. And a lot of women put on a pretty good act. They look and sound like they are in charge. Except when they are drooling over hot men. Then all women become giggling, sweaty fools who can't speak.

The point is: women try to avoid looking ridiculous, and perfection is the enemy of humor.

But lots of men seek out the most goofy situations in life. Certain men I know could be standing inside a burning house and they would still think, "Cool. Maybe I'll get to see the toilet explode."

Should women spend more time thinking about toilets? I don't know. But I think it's time to get back to my real topic.

Earlier I asked, why do people need humor? Well, I've decided that humor is the celebration of the ridiculous. When a pop bottle squirts us with Mountain Dew, we giggle. When politicians fall asleep during a boring meeting, we make fun of them. Humans make mistakes into joyous occasions. I celebrate with pig hats. My dad tells lame jokes. We all have our own sense of humor and we all use laughter to blow off steam.

That's why I'm a goofball. I want to have fun. I'm not going to worry about tripping or burping or wearing pig hats. When I fall flat on my face, I'm going to tell a story about it. And I'm going to write essays that remind people that life is basically pretty dumb. Because I think we'll all be happier if we just admit that we are silly, blundering creatures.

And you thought this was a humor essay. You didn't know I had a righteous cause. Do you hear me shouting from my soapbox, "People of the world UNITE! We are all idiots. Let's celebrate!"

5000 Visitors!

Since the birth of my website in February 2005, I've had five thousand people viewing my site.  Either that, or my boyfriend has looked at my site five thousand times.

I'm a happy camper.  I'm doing the Five Thousand Visitor dance.  Shaking my leg.  Rotating my hip.  Hop.  Hop.  That's the Five Thousand Visitor dance.  Don't you wish you could see the video clip?

Pumpkins and Plants

It's almost Halloween.  Is your home decorated with ghouls and gourds?

Send me pictures of your spooky decorations and I'll post them on my website for everyone to enjoy.

Wounded

My best friend called my pig hat corny.  CORNY!

I am shocked and disappointed.

Just because I look a little silly...how can she call my pig hat corny?

Okay, so the hat is a little corny.  It's also a little piggy.  Hehehe.  I love my pig hat.   I am virtually thumbing my nose at my best friend.  So there.

Winter Gear

When my boyfriend came home last night, I greeted him in this hat and sweater.  My apartment was so cold, I started thinking about making a campfire out of my couch.

Luckily, ten minutes after this picture was snapped, the heat kicked on for the first time this year.  So now I don't have to spend the winter looking like a demented elf.

The Top Ten Most Spectacular Ways to Spend Your Weekend

The Top Ten Most Spectacular Ways to Spend Your Weekend

1. You win the Powerball.

2. You are at a beach; the temperature is eighty degrees with a nice breeze.  The sun is out, and you are sipping lemonade.  For the next forty-eight hours, you will sleep, swim, or build sandcastles.  (I want to be on that beach RIGHT NOW.)

3. You eat cheese snacks. (Clarification – You get to eat cheese snacks all weekend without feeling ill or gaining any weight.)

4. Twenty nice people spend the weekend cooking for you, cleaning for you, rubbing your feet, and basically treat you like a Greek God.

5. You have a fantasy encounter with Pierce Brosnan or Gwyneth Paltrow.  (Please choose the appropriate gender.)

6. All the people you love take turns telling you how super fantastic you are.  ( I love ego trips.)

7. You lie on your couch and watch twelve straight hours of the West Wing on DVD.  (I've lived this kind of weekend.  It really is lovely.)

8. On Friday evening, every single mean person in the world will turn into a potato.  From Friday on, we will enjoy World Peace and low potato prices at the grocery store.  (That's what I call a two for the price of one deal.)

9. For the span of forty-eight hours, you get to be five-years-old again.  This means you will have unlimited energy, you'll be really cute, and you can throw temper-tantrums.  I'm talking about HUGE guilt-free hissy fits.  And no matter how much you kick and scream, people will still like you and give you candy.

10. You are whisked away to Radio City Music Hall where Carrot Top is waiting to perform his "Weekend Spectacular" just for you.

Greedy People

For some reason, other people think they are going to win my Powerball money.  Dang them. When I win $340 million dollars tonight, I am going to buy this.

Or I could just buy a lifetime's worth of Cheez-its.  Mmmm.  Cheese.

The Big Bucks

I played the lottery.  I'm going to win.  The jackpot is 340 million.  That's dollars.  Not cheese snacks.  Although I'd probably try to win 340 million cheese snacks, if anyone was giving them away.  But right now, I want the money.

When I win, I'm going to buy a university and force them to make me their most honored English professor.  Then I will sit around all day telling nineteen-year-olds that Dave Barry is more talented than Shakespeare.  It would be fun to listen to all the other professors defend Shakespeare while I sit on my butt eating cheese snacks.  Personally, I think they are equally talented, but with 340 million dollars in my pocket, I will be allowed to say whatever the heck I want.

What would you do with 340 million dollars?  Or 340 million cheese snacks?

The Scent of Arrogance

This cologne is for the man with more ego than sex appeal.

The Lucky You man would swagger over to a girl in a bar, smooth back his toupee, and say something like, "Sugar, a girl as pretty as you deserves a guy like me."

They should make a corresponding perfume for women called, "Fat Chance."