Note to readers: This essay is NOT about saving turkeys. I’m a strong advocate for eating turkeys, as you will soon see.
Note to readers # 2: Whatever quality you expect from my writing, you can forget it today. Why? Because for this extra special essay, I drew illustrations with crayons. Drawing is a huge, slow project for me, so I didn’t have the time to write anything that made sense.
Regarding the illustration: The picture is bad. I’m a bad artist. (I actually traced the turkey. Trust me, it’s better that way. You wouldn’t want to see my freestyle drawing of a turkey.)
Okay, time for the essay.
My favorite holiday is being neglected. This must stop.
Thanksgiving is the most snuggly time of year for me. This holiday celebrates family, giving thanks, and green bean casseroles. I believe any holiday that revolves around food should get lots of attention.
But are there turkey songs in November? Nooooo. Why? Because Christmas is taking over the world.
Christmas gets TWO MONTHS. Malls start playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. Listening to Jingle Bells for the next forty-five days should be illegal. I hear a lot of people complaining about the millions of tons of Christmas merchandise stuffed into every store on the planet, but no one is really taking action.
Now, I’m not a Grinch. I like Christmas in December. The problem is, retail stores have kidnapped Christmas. They’ve turned Christmas into Buy-Stuff-Until-You-Hurl-Land, and Thanksgiving gets buried and forgotten under five billion sheets of seven-dollar wrapping paper.
Enough is enough! There comes a time in a woman’s life where she has to stand up and fight for what she believes in.
What do I believe in?
I believe in Thanksgiving. I believe that turkeys should be stuffed with mushy bread. I believe we should all wear orange and brown sweaters. And I believe everyone’s house should smell like cinnamon for at least nine hours every year.
I have a strategy for saving Thanksgiving. First: I WILL NOT buy anything Christmas-related until the day after Thanksgiving.
Second: I’m going to design and wear a pin that has a fat, juicy turkey on it. (See my lousy illustration at the top of this page.) And the pin will read, “Save Turkey Day!” Why am I going to create this pin? Because all social reformers must wear cute pins. It’s the law.
What do I hope to accomplish with my “Save the Turkey Day” campaign? Well, I want more people to hang cornhusks on their front doors. I want someone to create a half hour animated Thanksgiving special for kids. I want people to write Thanksgiving songs. And I want people to RESPECT THE TURKEY!
Oh wait. What I meant was, I want people to eat the turkey. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking I believe in turkey rights. Cook the turkey! It’s tradition.
Eat lots and lots of turkey. That’s the third part to my “Save the Turkey Day” strategy. I want you to eat so much turkey that you forget about ANY other holiday because you are so stuffed you can’t move.
So if you believe in my cause, please make yourself a “Save the Turkey Day” pin. Write to your congress people, and tell them to outlaw Santa until December. Tell everyone you see on the street why you love Thanksgiving.
And above all, on Turkey Day make sure you spend a peaceful meal communing with your friends and family. Isn’t Turkey Day great?
Now pass me some stuffing.
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