Silly Humor by Melody

I'm in the Bag

Why did I crawl into a kitchen garbage bag?

Polenth, my Survivalist Expert, made me do it.

When I discussed survival gear in my Urban Purse Survival Kit post, I asked her why a person needed a plastic bag to stay alive.

She said, "A full size one will keep you warm if you sit in it or could be used as a shelter."

This gave me a wickedly entertaining idea.

I ignored her "full size" adjective and crawled into a 13 gallon bag.  With a lot of scrunching and snide comments from the Silly Boyfriend, I almost fit.  Hurray, now I'm ready for a night in the woods.

Melody's Sad Life of Crime Continues

On July 7th, I went to jail for the first time.  Luckily, the cops monitoring the facility didn't hold me overnight for the grievous activity of impersonating a tourist.

Then I went to Primanti Brothers on July 24th.  Maybe it was the hot sauce I slathered over my French fry sandwich?  Or maybe I am, in my heart, a cheap, no-good jerk.  Anyway, when I finished dining, I simply stood up and walked out of the restaurant.

I got a block away and inside a Starbucks (where I was planning to steal a restroom key attached to a giant, pink spoon) when I got a weird feeling.

I turned to my accomplice, I mean, dinner companion and said, "Did we pay for our food?"

We began to laugh maniacally.  But, not wanting to end up like this senior ex-con, we walked back and confessed.  I coughed up fifteen dollars and the Primanti Brothers establishment graciously declined to make any kind of a big deal about our attempted robbery.  So we walked back into the evening air as free young women.

You may ask how I feel after my botched sandwich capper.  I have two words to describe my feelings on this occasion: Really Stupid.

Goofy Bird on Faceless Boyfriend

My bird, Sunny, likes to nibble on shiny metal stuff.  He also lands on human heads as often as he can.  So of course he found the Silly Boyfriend Wearing Headphones an irresistible landing pad.

I yelled, "Hold still.  I want to get a picture of that."

Silly Boyfriend said, "This better not go up on your website."

"Oh please, oh please, oh please?"

Without sympathy, he said, "No!"

"What if I blank out your face?"

He shrugged, so I took that as permission to go Adobe Photoshop Crazy.  Trust me, I had fun drawing his new, bright red lip.

Video Games are not funny.

This is a public service announcement.

If you see the following on your computer screen, do NOT try to engage.  This game is interesting and addicting.  You could be hurt.

Mug Shot:

A randomly chosen victim's profile will be used here to demonstrate the dangerous affects of thinking video games are pure entertainment:

Victim's Profile

Melody Platz, a normally productive writer, was contaminated by this infectious strategy game over a period of three days.  In that time she stopped eating, became anti-social, stayed up until 2:00 a.m. and developed green spots on her nose.*  As a result of the Gem Craft influence on Melody's life, she has had to join Game Addicts Anonymous (GAA).  She is restricted to 45 minutes on her computer per evening and her boyfriend has threated to beat her with large objects if she relapses.**

If YOU are confronted with fifteen free minutes and are tempted to play Gem Craft or any similar time sucking game created by incredibly wicked people, please call 1-999-GET-LIFE.  Operators are standing by to yell at you and make you feel guilty.***

*Melody did not actually develop green spots.  Her skin is just naturally a little lime colored.  This is normal, she swears.

**The Silly Boyfriend is NEVER violent.  Melody smacks him often.  So Melody is actually the abusive partner and deserves to be beaten with large objects.

***Melody actually loves video games.  But she does have a problem with them.  Gem Craft is fabulous.  This is a humor site, so don't believe everything Melody saves.  Melody needs to stop using the word actually.

Urban Purse Survival Kit

I saw a video about how to create a survival kit out of an Altoids tin.  Needed: Exacto blade covered in duct tape, tiny fishing lures, matches, and a garbage bag.  Two cotton balls are also necessary if I get lost in the woods, although I don't know why.

To me, survival kits suggest danger.  I get that prickly shiver of excitement when I whisper the words survival kit.

This got me thinking about my purse.  It's my urban survival kit.  But I don't get a shiver when I think of my purse.  This makes me sad.  So let's inspect the contents of my purse survival kit and then we can improve it with a wish list.

Purse Survival Kit Item Inventory:

Business Card - This is how to win friends and influence people.

Cell Phone - Desperately important when you haven't taken the time to memorize your significant other's phone number, and you are supposed to call them when you get into town. (Not that I've ever done this.)

Money -  Carried in case of snacking emergencies.  Accepted at all fast food and drug store facilities.

Pen and Scrap Paper - Useful for writing down phone numbers I will immediately not memorize.

Lip Gloss - Chapped lips can be deadly.  I am vigilant about protecting my health.

Keys with Nail Clippers Attached - Keys let me into my house, so I don't have to sleep with the slugs that live outside my house.  Clippers, because you never know when a nail is going to break half-way off and annoy you by bending and flapping and snagging on your sweater.  I hate that.

Calculator - I can't do math in my head and it takes too long to do the math on my cell phone calculator.

Sunglasses -  These save my face from being all squinty.

Credit Card - In a moment of shopping ecstasy, this allows me to buy clothes I can't afford.

 

 

Now, let's think about what could make my purse survival kit inspire actual interest.

Purse Survival Kit Wish List:

Taser - this would give me that warm and fuzzy invincible feeling.

M & M's - candy coated chocolate makes me shiver, I don't know about you.

Baby Crocodile - don't put your hand in my purse, snap!

X-ray glasses - Not exactly survival gear, but it would make my day more entertaining.

Crocodile-proof, mini-apartment for my parakeets - because every urban girl should carry at least one pet in her purse.

 

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Exercise Delusions

I know two people who are happy with their weight.  One is freakishly nice and makes everyone jealous at the same time.  The second has a body that resembles an industrial sized freezer.

Every other human I know who is capable of eating a pop tart seems to have weight woes.  My struggle is: Sometimes my pants fit.  Other times I try to snap buttons and think, "Diet time, you Cheeto cruncher."

You guessed it.  I am in one of my wide phases.  So to celebrate my renewed need for a fitness routine, here are some of the lame activities I have called exercise in the last week:

1.  Rolling over in my bed while trying to find a hidden remote.

2.  Wandering around clothing stores and trying on belts.

3.  Flexing my hands.

4.  Climbing up and down the basement stairs twice with my load of laundry.

5.  Walking 3 blocks, buying a 400 calorie latte, and then walking home again.

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Banjo Poem to Make You Smile

 

 

 

 

Banjo Contemplations

I am just on the verge of taking music lessons.
However, don’t expect Beethoven out of any of my jam sessions.
Other people may play the trumpet or the flute,
But I’ve recently begun to see bluegrass instruments as a hoot.
Playing tunes that make me wiggle,
I can’t help but love music that gives me the giggles.
And it takes a certain kind of mojo,
I think, to want to play the banjo.
With finger picks and metal girders,
The plucky sounds remind me of sheepherders.
Never mind my images of men named Pappy,
I’m gonna learn the banjo cause I believe it will make me happy.

 

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Patriotic Presidents from JibJab

In honor of the 4th of July, please watch the U.S. Presidents rock out to the Star Spangled Banner.

Star Spangled Banner | Funny Jokes at JibJab

Enjoy your holiday.  And remember, it's okay to be that person at the fireworks party wearing a two-foot-tall, red, white and blue top hat.  People will remember you as the "fun person" and that's a good thing.

Segway Fun in Pittsburgh

I spotted these three Segway sightseers on a recent trip to Downtown Pittsburgh.  I had about ten seconds to get a picture.  Snap.  Snap. Snap.  I came up with this beauty.  Yay!

When I showed the Humor Boyfriend, he said, "Oh, those are the Segway tours."  He googled them and found "Segway in Paradise".  They are, indeed, a  tour guide company based in Pittsburgh that makes it's clients wear safari hats.

I am SO going to take the "Segway in Paradise" tour one of these days.  It sounds like great fun.  But I still find the safari hats chuckle worthy.  Hehe.

Final Note:  When I studied this picture, it seemed a bit familiar.  It's cool. It has attitude.  Then I knew who else would take a photo like this: