In honor of the wacky "How to" emails I get everyday (today's was "How to be a Karaoke Star") I submit my version of a "How to" for the web universe's approval:
How to Magically Stay Awake without Caffeine
Staying up late studying for college exams or meeting work deadlines is poor planning. Don't do it. I wish I listened to myself more often. I have good advice.
However when you DO cram too much work into an itty-bitty amount of time and must stay awake until your eyelids feel like woolly socks slathered in glue, follow these tips to keep yourself awake and miserable:
- Sit in an uncomfortable chair. A simple wood dinner table chair will do in a pinch because your bottom will soon start aching and will eventually create a fiery pain which is impossible to nap through. Best Case Scenario: You're guaranteed to stay awake if your chair has splinters.
- Ask a family member to stare at you, poke you, and tell you how dumb you are for waiting until the last minute to get your work done. The anger you feel will keep your adrenaline chugging along. Side effects include: possible black rages and frequent clubbing of the unsuspecting family member.
- Eat pop tarts around 12:30 p.m. The sugar will course through your system, making you giddy, shaky and unable to stop snickering. But hey, you're still awake.
- Do jumping jacks. WARNING: Use this technique before applying the pop tart therapy. A sleepy, sugar-drugged body can go into ejection mode when introduced to vigorous movement.
- Call yourself names like idiot and procrastinator. This strategy may make your ego shrivel to the size of a pea, and you could begin crying like a fool, but all that guilt is a great midnight motivator.
- When all else fails, hit yourself.
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