Silly Humor by Melody

Democratic Convention Observations

I watch politics.  This is a nervous tick I have.  It goes way back to when I was eight-years-old and was watching Phil Donahue with my mother.  Other kids were...they were doing...well, I don't know what other kids were doing because I was watching politics.

I spent four days during the week of August 25th from 8 p.m. to 11:30 p.m watching every single speech for the Democratic National Convention on PBS.  I will do the same for the week of September 1st when the Republicans get their chance. After watching a lifetime of people making political promises, I believe I am qualified to make the following observations about the DNCC of 2008.

First:  Most politicians give really boring speeches.  I was able to read a multitude of blogs, create a newsletter, and spackle my living room while 85% of the Democrats spoke.

Second:  Getting 75,000 people together in a stadium and making them listen to boring speeches is really GUTSY.  I'm surprised no one started throwing a beach ball around the audience while the fourth Congressperson in a row said, "I deeply respect John McCain, but he votes with George Bush 90% of the time."

Third:  Sometimes, a politician ends up giving a good speech and you wonder if you are hallucinating.  Maybe you are losing your hearing?  Maybe you are watching a political movie by accident and  Michael Douglas is giving a rousing, well-rehearsed speech written by Aaron Sorkin?  When a speaker actually had something to say during the week of August 25th, my heart would start pounding from shock.  Then I would have to get the Silly Boyfriend's attention and I'd tell him, "This speech isn't making me want to bang my head against the walls.  Can you believe it?'

Finally:  Most animals and all the humans I know are NOT watching the conventions.  Some people don't even know a convention is happening until I say, as a lame attempt at starting a conversation, "So did you watch day three of the DNC?"

"DNC?" they ask, "Isn't that a new superhero TV show?"

So you see, I can say whatever I want about the political process.  This makes me a little afraid and quite powerful.

Remember:  Vote Walter Mondale 2008!  Go Mondale.

 

All Hail the Bryson

Shhhhhh!

I'm in the midst of creating a new religion.  I shall call it Brysonity.

I started reading Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods" this morning, and I have found myself completely converted.  His narration has sucked me in like a tornado, and spit me out the other side.  Now I am born again.

Sadly, part of the tenants of being a good Brysonian is lying on your couch in the middle of the afternoon laughing like a sick goat when you really should be doing other things.

I can't put the book down.  If you expect any other funny things to amuse you today, pick up This Good Book.  May we all laugh like goats together.

My Missing Mojo

My favorite blogging advice site, Problogger, posted an article about the intangible things people need in order to be a great blogger.  On their list of blogging qualities they mention luck, trust and being an authority.  Then the post said that bloggers need Mojo to be successful.

Here's my outcry, "Where's MY Mojo?"

How do I get some Mojo?

Can I buy it?

Does it come in a spray?

Do you remember the popular kid in middle school who would smile while he was stealing some other kid's pencil.  That charming snail never got caught.  Is that Mojo?

How about Jude Law, in the movie Alfie, talking about how confident men can wear pink.  He's definitely got something I think of as Mojo.  I wonder if only men can have Mojo.

This is a question I will continue to ponder.  In the mean time, if you see something with the label "Melody's Mojo", please send it on over to me.

 

Wishful Thinking

I desperately wanted something funny to happen to me today.  I waited all morning.  I kept alert all afternoon.  Still, nothing.

So instead of reporting on my unfunny life, I decided to make a list of all the funny things that could have happened to me today, but didn't.

The List:

I haven't seen any men wearing cherry red pants.

My pants have not fallen down.

I did not run around my neighborhood yelling, "Give me Liberty or give me a bicycle."

A horde of bees did not chase me down the street.

I have not stuttered even once today.

I have not said the word bladder out loud.  (I've typed the word bladder, but that is not the same thing.)

I didn't meet or chat with Robin Williams.

My house has not been invaded by a horde of miniature rabbits.

I did not watch the movie, Mannequin.

No one has even thrown a pie in my face.  My day has been completely unfunny.

Big Critter Dream Alert

I dreamed of Horseshoe Crabs last night.  I don't know why.  In my dream, I was collecting the creatures.  Again, I don't know why.

Luckily, I was mostly nice to my dream horseshoe crabs.  I gave them a nice big tank to swim in and then I let the girl horseshoe hang out with her boyfriend, a bigger, manly horseshoe.

Unfortunately, the boy horseshoes weren't very nice.  They would eat and dismember any rival male horseshoe crabs that dared to talk to the lady crabs.

Yes, in my dream, the large, armor-plated bugs could talk.  Or at least I knew what they were thinking.

This whole experience was straight out creepy.  Why can't I dream of My Little Ponies?

Absence of Angst

I was told this weekend that I am not sad enough.  Apparently, if I want to be a real writer, I must figure out how to be depressed.

I'll let you be the judge of whether I am capable of gloom and doom.  Here are some topics that make me sad:

1.  Finishing the last bite of the very last scoop of ice cream in my house.

2.  John Edwards being a lying, cheating, but still handsome, pond scum impersonator.

3.  I still get weepy over the end of the series: Star Trek the Next Generation.  Why, oh why, did it have to end?

4.  It's sad that people make fun of me because I love Star Trek.

5.  My boyfriend doesn't buy me enough presents.  Dang him.

That's it.  I'm out.  Are you feeling sorry for me yet?   

Out of Town - Being Serious, Dang it.

There will be no humor here this week.  I will be out being very professional in New York City.  I hope you will continue to be silly wherever you are.

I will return to blogging on Tuesday, August 12th.  Please laugh responsibly.

How to Magically Stay Awake without Caffeine

In honor of the wacky "How to" emails I get everyday (today's was "How to be a Karaoke Star") I submit my version of a "How to" for the web universe's approval:

How to Magically Stay Awake without Caffeine

Staying up late studying for college exams or meeting work deadlines is poor planning.  Don't do it.  I wish I listened to myself more often.  I have good advice.

However when you DO cram too much work into an itty-bitty amount of time and must stay awake until your eyelids feel like woolly socks slathered in glue, follow these tips to keep yourself awake and miserable:

- Sit in an uncomfortable chair.  A simple wood dinner table chair will do in a pinch because your bottom will soon start aching and will eventually create a fiery pain which is impossible to nap through. Best Case Scenario: You're guaranteed to stay awake if your chair has splinters.

- Ask a family member to stare at you, poke you, and tell you how dumb you are for waiting until the last minute to get your work done.  The anger you feel will keep your adrenaline chugging along.  Side effects include: possible black rages and frequent clubbing of the unsuspecting family member.

- Eat pop tarts around 12:30 p.m.  The sugar will course through your system, making you giddy, shaky and unable to stop snickering.  But hey, you're still awake.

- Do jumping jacks.  WARNING: Use this technique before applying the pop tart therapy.  A sleepy, sugar-drugged body can go into ejection mode when introduced to vigorous movement.

- Call yourself names like idiot and procrastinator. This strategy may make your ego shrivel to the size of a pea, and you could begin crying like a fool, but all that guilt is a great midnight motivator.

- When all else fails, hit yourself.