Silly Humor by Melody

Shelf Life Shenanigans

A blogger buddy let me interview her and she said that she tells new writers to imagine where they would be if their book was sold in the book store.

I love ego trips, and I had never thought to imagine where Platz would be shelved.  So I checked.

Sylvia Plath sat there waiting for me.  Do you know who she is?  Poet, depressing person....suicide victim.

Here's the thing: I write silly essays.  If I am lucky enough to get a book in print, I will share literary immortality with my philosophical antonym.

Well, I like irony, so I had better get myself into print soon so I can fill my "Rightful Space of Destiny".

Madonna's Got Nothing on Me

I have a mini diva in my brain that sometimes threatens to bust out into the world. 

To give you an example, I have a small speech to give tonight.  As I sat down to write it, I envisioned inspiring the crowd with my blazing elegance.  I imagined them with tears in their eyes and complimenting me afterwards about my "unbelievable, one of a kind, awe-inspiring" talk.

I actually wrote the whole speech that way.  I was so full of myself that my head almost inflated right out of my apartment window.

When I re-read the speech, I realized, "I sound like a puffed-up, pompous idiot."  As my ego slowly deflated, I re-wrote the speech.  I'm almost sure it is now humble and mild mannered.

But the truth cannot be denied, if I don't watch myself I could end up being Celine Dion, Cher and Donald Trump all rolled up into one.

Discovery on Jeopardy

I rarely watch Jeopardy.  I always thought it was because I didn't like the show.

Then the other night, I had it on for noise.  I was listening to the questions, getting the answers mostly right and thinking "Jeopardy is a GREAT game format."  I realized that when I know some of the answers Jeopardy is really fun.

Why did I know so many answers?

It was the kids contestant week.

Wisdom of the Peanut Sauce

Recently discovered Ancient Thai Food Proverb:

"Just because you put tap shoes on an elephant does not mean it can dance."

Ponder that while you are commencing your weekend activities.

*I really did get this fortune.  I'm still pondering it.

And then I was Gray

This is the first gray hair that has ever been plucked out of my head.  The Significant Historical Event occurred on Saturday, September 13th while waiting for a bus.

I thought about saving the hair, but the Silly Boyfriend said that just plain, "Creeped him out."

So I took a picture.

And then I took another picture, because when it comes to documenting my decline into old age, I like to be thorough.

There are now two distinct phases of my life:

My Youth -- Age 0 to 33

Post-Gray Hair Life -- 33 to Forever and Ever

 

Jeff Dunham - Dummies in Your Face

I spent two hours watching a grown man having a conversation with wooden puppets.  I laughed so loud, I annoyed my Silly Boyfriend. 

In the shows, Jeff Dunham is a sweetie.  His wooden dolls, however, are rude, totally UN-pc, and hilarious.

There's a grumpy old man named Walter who insults everyone.  Peanut is a purple, excitable guy who harasses a jalapeño on a stick.  And there are many others, including a sensitive, foul-mouthed guy who appears in the video below.

Jeff Dunham travels all over the country doing his routine, his videos can be found on Netflix, and his website is www.JeffDunham.com

Watch him, or Walter won't like it.

Three Hour Crawl

On Saturday, September 6th, I accompanied my best friend to shop for her wedding dress.  What I encountered instead was a 3 and a half hour traffic jam.

Three and a half hours!  We went a total of three miles.

For our entertainment we had, four adult women with nothing to eat, no bathroom and a dwindling sense of humor. 

When I said I would use these pictures for my Silly Humor post, the other three women turned to stare at me.  The Bride-to-Be growled, "This is NOT funny."

I was afraid for my life.  There was talk of cannibalism.  I'm pretty sure I would have been the first body turned into a pathetic slab of sashimi.

When the evil Parkway released us, I said a grateful prayer to the God who watches over silly people.  I was grateful to escape with my life.

The Convention Strikes Back!

On the second day of the Republican National Convention, the republican delegates  stood up and sang, "We're not gonna take it anymore!"

Okay, I made that up.  But it did feel like the republicans and Twisted Sister share a brotherhood of oppression and rebellion.  After all, everyone is out to get the party of Nixon.  The lefty media.  The liberal democrats.  Even the weather tried to shut them down, for goodness sake.

If we judged conventions on how funny they are, I would have to call the Dems and the Repubs deadlocked.  This is a neck and neck race of ridiculousness.

Items of Silliness Observed at the RNC:

1.  The RNC was just as snooze-inducing as the DNC.  It was as if all the politicians in the country get a single fill in the blank mad lib speech making worksheet.  "We ________ are gathered together to nominate ___________ for President.  Don't vote for our opponent ____________ because he/she is a flat-headed, whiny, dippy burger who can't be trusted."

2.  People wore big stuffed elephants on their heads.  The Women's Republican Council actually call themselves the Pink Elephants.  I wore a pink pig hat to a Rib Fest once.  That practically makes me family, I'll bet.

3.  Enter the Blond Brigade - There were blonds everywhere in the republican audience.  There were young blond men, ancient blond women, and wide-eyed blond children trying to stay awake on blond folding chairs.

It is my firm belief that Sarah Palin was chosen as the VP candidate as an emergency brunette color transfusion.  "Add that brown hair, STAT!  Yes!  That will win us voters."

Now, don't forget to rock out that vote.  John Adams in 2008!  Go Federalists.

Photo - Care of media approved image from Republican Convention website.

Obsessed with Vampires

Today I'm going to muse on the topic of obsessions.

Melody's Definition of Obsession - a lust for an object, an activity or a person that sucks away your brain and severely disables your capacity to function like a rational human being.

It's strange what people will get obsessed with.  In college, one of my skinny friend's faces would lite up like a Christmas tree when the cafeteria served cream of broccoli soup.  In astonishment, I would watch her slurp down twelve bowls of the lumpy white stuff in less than thirty minutes.  I found this to be a remarkable obsession.

Currently, I am obsessed with a married pair of vampires.  I have all the Stephenie Meyer books from the Twilight series.  I have read them from cover to cover, but I keep re-reading them.  I do this as if there were not other good books to read in the world.  My behavior gives my silly boyfriend much reason to make fun of me.  As in, "Should I leave you and your vampire book alone?  Do you two need to spend some quality time together?"

My obsessive side hugs the book to my chest and whimpers, "Yes.  Quality time.  Mmmm-hmmm."

Other things I've been obsessed with in my short life:

Heroes of Might and Magic - the video game.  I barely slept while I played this game for two months.  I finally gave the CD to my friend at work so I couldn't play it anymore.

Hairspray - the musical movie.  I went around singing Good Morning, Baltimore for at least a month after Christmas of 2007.  I made the Silly Boyfriend buy the DVD for me for my birthday.  He was not nearly as amused with John Travolta in a dress as I was.

England - I've been obsessed with the land of Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman since I first saw the movie, Sense and Sensibility.  I took my sister to London about seven years ago.  If I could, I would have a home in the British Countryside.  I would develop a pathetic fake British accent, just to show how much I love England.  Kind of like Madonna, except I would always be wearing all of my clothes.